For most people, being late to the table means doing without all of that good, highly fatty, very tasty, artery clogging edibles.
But for WOEFULTOURIST missing the boat is not something to cry about (like spilt 2% cream) rather, it is a lifestyle to embrace.
When phones went cellular, WOEFULTOURIST staid with rotary.
Partly because he wanted to see if it was some odd trend that seemingly ends before it begins.
Because he only invests in quacks and quirks.
Partly because he’s a “q” kind of guy.
Mainly because that’s the name of the investment firm he uses.
Similarly, when the world went hog wild over the health benefits of red whine, WOEFULTOURIST didn’t bite (which is kind of hard to do with wine – red, or otherwise).
Nor did he rush out to the liquor store and cause the manager a heart attack by showing up to the counter with a box of red, instead of a case of PBR.
Nope, he simply raised his glass of beer, knowing in his heart and gut that the liquid bread in his glass was as good as gold (in health-speak terms) even if it wasn’t red.
So when the political correctness train was loading, WOEFULTOURIST was nowhere to be found.
Heck, he wasn’t even in the station.
After all, he never has and never will stand down from what he truly believes in (when he can remember what that actually is) as opposed to simply repeating some mindless rhetoric he saw on a television commercial.
Nope, WOEFULTOURIST has always called a “ho” a hoe.
And if it rubs people the wrong way to hear prostitutes compared to garden implements, well so be it.
He will not stand down.
Nor will he sit up since actual physical exercise is not one of his ten commandments.
Unfortunately, he usually finds himself alone voice in the concrete jungle wilderness, since his apolitical correctness is in total contrast with most of the population.
Because it no longer limits itself to political elements.
Instead, like some evil weed which isn’t content to merely overrun the nearby surroundings, political correctness has invaded every element of our culture.
It has reached the point where Food Network shows are refusing to show their chefs separating the egg yolks from the whites as some group in Upper Slobovia views it as a racially charged event requiring calling in the national guard and dressing up nicely for the tv cameras and making sure the powers that be spell their names right.
Heck, the other day, WOEFULTOURIST went to his local Lowe’s hardware store only to see that political correctness has spread into the world of Christmas trees.
Yup, Christmas trees.
To his chagrin (right next to the cute dimple) Lowe’s has posted a sign explaining that all of their trees are “farm grown”.
Well, WOEFULTOURIST almost had to be tied down, he was so incensed.
FARM GROWN TREES!!
Isnt’ that discrimination?
What about all of those trees grown on highly polluted, Super-Fund sites?
Why are they being excluded?
What about those trees illegally harvested from local, state and county parks?
Shouldn’t they have the opportunity to make some small children living foot to mouth in a trailer park, happy this holiday season?
What about those trees raised in a totally artificial environment where they don’t have to worry about anything since their surrogate parents do everything for them, making them grow up tall and weak, dependent on a society to give them everything they want while they offer nothing in return?
What about their needs?
After all, trees are people, two.
WOEFULTOURIST nose, since he has been in the woods (once) that when you cut a tree, it does indeed make a sound.
So this holiday season, let’s just hug a tree – whatever its’ roots, sing “Kum-ba-yah” and drink a toast to apolitical correctness.