WOEFULTOURIST cannot say with enough conviction how much he enjoys meeting yet another person, group, or entity that wants to separate him from his hard earned cash.
It brings tears to his eyes to simply consider how hard they work to try and fleece him – imagining how much they might actually accomplish to make their worlds a better place if they used half as much incentive and effort to get a real job.
Cable companies would die to get a handful of them to work in their sales department.
But no, moochers, beggars and thieves rarely hold down full time jobs since that would cut into their mooching, begging and thievery time.
So they don’t.
Now WOEFULTOURIST understands that the phrase moochers, beggars and thieves may bee confusing for some of his fans.,
So he will attempt to confuse them even further by trying to explain the differences between the three of them.
To make the process even more unwieldy, he will work backwards.
Starting with thieves.
For those new to the concept of definitions, a thief is someone who tries to take something of yours without your approval.
This should not be confused with the cute teenager who stole your heart in high school and hid it away for decades.
That person is not a thief.
They are a heartbreaker.
Not a home wrecker – that would be a slutty individual, though not a criminal.
Not a safe cracker – that would be an out and out criminal.
No, a thief steals your money, not usually your inner organs.
Then there are the beggars.
Beggars differ from thieves in that they want your money, but ask you for it.
Sometimes via misspelled messages on cardboard.
“Peas help me.”
Clearly legumes are very powerful.
Sometimes appealing to your heartstrings (assuming they weren’t stoled by a non-thief heartbreaker way back when).
“Homeless vet looking for a new clinic.”
Sometimes including small children, or dogs to help seal the deal.
“Need food for the kid so he can get a job to pay for my addictions.”
Finally, there are the moochers.
Moochers differ from the rest in that they don’t ask for your money.
Rather, they want your non-cash stuff.
Sometimes for their own use.
“Remember that lawnmower I borrowed from you last year? Yeah, well it broke and I need to borrow another one.”
Sometimes, just so that they don’t have to get it themselves.
“My wife threw me out. Mind if I stay with you and eat your food, drink your beer and fail to compensate you for any of it?”
For the most part, WOEFULTOURIST has only dealt with moochers that are either relatives, or neighbors.
So it was with wide eyed wonder that he discovered a completely different type of moocher in his travels.
The non friend, non neighbor moocher.
A very rare breed.
Just after visiting his friend Pedro, South of the Border, WOEFULTOURIST got back on I-95 and resumed his journey southward towards Florida.
That was when he realized that he needed gas (no not that kind, Pedro saw to that).
So he pulled off the first exit he came to and into the first gas station he found in the lovely town of Dillon.
He had barely gotten out of his car and started to gas up, when a grizzled young man approached him.
Expecting the least, he was prepared for nothing that might actually happen.
The yourng man, somewhat sheepishly, possibly embarassed but probably not, finally got the courage to ask the question that was most likely burning a hole in his pocket.
“Sorry to bother you, but do you think you can lend me some gas for my truck?”
Which was followed by the all important sweeping gesture to the beat up pickup truck parked nearby.
Now WOEFULTOURIST comes from a long line of moochers, so he thought he had heard it all.
But that was before.
This was now.
And now, WOEFULTOURIST just wanted to get to Orlando and drop a ton of money on the attractions and not try and actually figure out the particulars of this particular mooch, intrigued though he was.
So he turned the moocher down before he could embarrass himself any further, even after the moocher politely offered to explain the exact reason he needed to mooch some gasoline from WOEFULTOURIST in the first place..
Instead, WOEFULTOURIST drove away and made his Mary way down to Florida.
Wondering all the way, whether mooching gasoline at a gas station from tourists was just a “southern” thing, or the latest techno trend to hit these shores in decades.