Public Restroom Hand Dryers

The latest in hand dryer technology – the hand dryer is now an integral part of the actual faucet, not hanging on the wall. To figure out how to use it, you need to read the instructions on the left, taped to the mirror.


WOEFULTOURIST has determined that nothing actually runs like clockwork, not even clocks.

He knows that’s not the way it’s supposed to be in a perfect world.

Fortunately, not even he lives in one.

He will not dwell on the why of it.

Or the how of it.

Or the where of it.

Or any other “ “ of it.

Just that it, is.

Which may disappoint and frustrate others, but as far as WOEFULTOURIST is concerned, is just fine.

Because in addition to the unnatural precision of such an existence, WOEFULTOURIST finds all that tick-tock’iness so very difficult to sleep through.

So for the sake of his dreamworld, nothing should run like clockwork.

The heck with precision. After all if “close enough” is good enough for government work, it’s good enough for him.

As for all the “anti-government”, high tech, high precision types out there, you can wear what you sew, and reap what you hem.

Personally, he prefers velcro.

As for accuracy, it stopped being relevant five presidential elections ago.

Look, if you can start and stop on a dime, you’re driving a car way too small to make anyone take notice of you.

Nevertheless, the precision, accuracy, and run like clockwork types never rest on their laurels, or any other soft part of their bodies.

They keep on plugging away, regardless.

Which is fine by WOEFULTOURIST because it keeps them in front of the computer screen where they belong.

Although, on occasion, they do invade his personal space and none of his laser bullets can do anything to thwart them. Which is more than enough to knock things out of kilter.

Take hand dryers in public restrooms.

Shouldn’t be an issue.

Never used to be.

After all, how can one screw up a paper towel.

Okay, there are plenty of ways, but that’s not the point.

The point is that it’s simple and efficient.

Not precise and accurate, but it workedl and you didn’t need an advanced college degree to figure out how to use one.

Not these days.

Because not only have paper towels been sent out to pasture until the cows come home tomorrow night, even the basic air dryer has morphed into something difficult to recognize.

Because today’s mantra is, “why not fix it if it aint broke.”

So they did.  First with the “stick your hands vertically inside the unit, as opposed to just putting your hands under it” “upgrade”.

Although WOEFULTOURIST did find the gaudy yellow color of the unit something to behold.

But now, the Ph.D’s have upped the ante.

They have come up with a faucet, where the hand dryer is built into the handle.

With the whole device looking like a sleek, weird, miniature aluminum airplane from a parallel universe.

So bold, precise and accurate is this device that one needs a set of instructions in order to figure out how to use it.

Fortunately, management has included the instructions and taped them very carefully to the mirror above the device so you can read them while you admire your statuesque features.

Engineers being what they are (engineers) view their jobs as not to come up with a good solution to a problem, but rathger a sleek, hip, contemporary take on things that will be difficult to use, cost more than its predecessor, yet guarantee that they will be up for a design prize as a reward for thinking outside the box (or paper bag if one is so desirous).

So prepare for the future, friends. Because before you know it the all-in-one faucet/hand dryer will be coming to a stadium near you.

So do a search on YouTube to see how you are supposed to use one, because wiping your wet hands on your clean shirt just doesn’t make a good impression on the ladies, anymore.

And paper instructions taped to the mirror has planned obsolescence written all over it.








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Actor, writer and health inspector. I've been ensuring food safety and providing quality entertainment, for over two decades.
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